Hand of Jesus

(24/10/03)

Home

I had a revelation the other weekend at the pub and not just a normal revelation, like "my arm is hairy", this will change your life!

The one thing that can piss you off at a busy pub is when you've just polished off your 3rd pint (or finished half your pint in Stuart's case) and you need to go for a pee-pee. What makes it even worse is when you have to fight your way through a crowd to get to the nearest toilet just to flush the white mans poison away!

Well ladies and gentlemen, you no longer have to worry about getting squashed between a fat woman's tits and a bald mans sweaty head ever again, I've found the solution.

Pretend you're Jesus.

I know you thinking "what the f*ck are you babbling on about now you monkey faced FREAK!!", but just hear me out.

All you need to do is walk through a crowded pub with your hands held up to about head height and lightly place one hand or the other on the offending persons shoulder. When they turn around and stare at you with a "get your stinkin' hand off me, honky" look on their face, smile as you would imagine Jesus would (an all knowing, I'm your friend, warmhearted look) and mutter something, anything, in a placid voice at a volume they can't quite make out and don't stop walking.

That's it!

My favourite thing to mutter is "Yesh, I know it'sh sa hassle, I'm shooo sooory fu<kface, please ex-choose moi" while nodding and grinning like you're their best friend.

I can guarantee you, or your money back, that person will almost *leap* to one side (I've actually seen that) to let you though. I've managed to walk through a packed pub with a mate following me and didn't have to break my stride once. If you're really good, you can walk through like you would down an isle on a moving bus, alternating hands on peoples shoulders, pretending they are the corners of the bus seats.

If you don't believe me, try it.

Amen.

P.S. If all this blows up in your face when a rugby player thinks you're a poof and wants to smack ya face in, tell them the following joke to throw their little walnut sized mind into a spin for your getaway:

Q. What's the best thing about f*cking twenty eight year olds?

A. There is twenty of them...

(Full credit to Richard P. for that one) - Correction 10/11/03, apparently Crazy told Richard this joke...