Dear Diary — 2009

Well, I had a sweet response to my Facebook post. Here it is:

Tony I've never been so excited to go for a dump, not only does the toilet in our Japanese style hotel room have controls, they're in some weird language! Facebook friends, I ask you, obviously I'm gonna press all the buttons to see what they do, but which colours do I go for first?! I'm holding off till I get a response...

The red one didn't do anything, it was stop. Good to find that one out first.

The second one with the lovely looking fountain was quite an experience indeed. The accuracy at which it hit its target was quite stunning, lets just say that I had the feeling that thousands of years of Japanese engineering had come to a pinnacle, the accuracy best described as hitting a 5p coin on the moon, with a laser fired from Earth.

It was pretty obvious that the pink button with a lady on it probably wasn't designed for me. Fearlessly, I pressed it and waited for what was to happen. Needless to say, my man-berries have never been so squeaky clean.

It was at this point that I decided to try the two smaller buttons below the green and pink one. I found that that varied the pressure, from near enema to refreshing tinkle.

The other button of consequence was the gold one with waves on it. That seemed to be designed to give one a blow job. Unfortunately, it was about as effective at drying ones bits as a bird tweeting at you from a hundred paces while standing in a tropical monsoon. Quite how the Japanese can go from giving the impression of engineering gods with the butt squirt (honestly, I was looking for a camera it was so accurate) to something as effective as a worm farting was beyond me.

The last two buttons did nothing at all that I could tell.

Trying out Glenn's combination, however, resulted in a TV screen popping out the side and a Japanese magna-film playing, what appeared to be, instructions on how to defeat a Godzilla boss in some video-game.

The real reason I won't be buying one of these though, was discovered after lifting the seat and looking at the cleaning instruction on the far right.

Although posting stuff like this makes me look like a druggie, I actually love pointing out facts like this to demonstrate how manipulated public perception is (my other favourites are disproving that wind power is good and Geckos have suckers on their feet):

OK, so this is incredibly geeky, but screw it, I'm an incredible geek!

Elite turns 25 years old today!

After watching the BBC video of the game play, it brought back a lot of nostalgia of the many hours I spent playing it:

Ohh!! Look at the date! I suppose it signified Armageddon or something...?!

I tell you what, I imagine Shan comes about as close to armageddon as anyone with wee Austin, immortalised in Ian's new T-Shirt. Here's the front:

A bunch of us went to Greenwich on Sat to watch the rugby. Beforehand Bridget, Bec's and I went for a wander up to the Observatory where I took this cool snap of em:

Right, what's the best name we can give to our new company? Oh, I know...

OK, fine, this picture of me with Austin (Shan and Ian's new bub) has been doing the rounds thanks to Shan:

That'll learn him.

Here's a few more snaps of bunch last Sat.

One of Dennis, looking far softer than myself:

Ian and Shan extra happy that they got to offload Austin for 5 mins:

Crazy being, well, normal:

Grope photo:

(Going round the table: Lindsey, Dennis, Becs, James, Cynthia, Shan, Ian, Bridget, Matt, Richard, Chris, Marta, Crazy, Terry and myself. Guess Anne was away from the table!)

Honestly, snow seems to bring out only the thickest morons on charge in London. There was total chaos yesterday with all Buses cancelled, leaving people on night-shifts totally stuffed for getting home, let alone people trying to get in.

Why were all the buses cancelled? Not because the streets were covered in snow, nooooo, the major bus routes were cleared by TFL (Transport For London). The buses were cancelled because they didn't clear the side roads from the bus depots. Seriously, I'm not making this shiit up:

Hoo Wee! Woke up this morning to the biggest snowfall London has seen in 18 years! Here's Bridget outside our front door:

From the top floor of our building:

I set another time-lapse video going out my kitchen window and was lucky enough to catch a snow flurry passing across London! It's quite a dramatic change in weather, from this: