I just had a really cool, sunny weekend. Well, it would've been "really cool" if it wasn't for the fact that I went to the movies with the guys and saw "Ultraviolet".
Here's my review:
WORST - MOVIE - EVER
I do have a disclaimer to make though, I didn't see it all as the guys and I walked out on it 2/3 of the way through. I don't think I've ever walked out on a movie before. You never know, the worthless plot and hopeless acting could've transformed as soon as we walked out the door.
I actually went up to the ticket counter and asked for my money back, the guy didn't give it to me, but did admit it was freaken awful.
I'd rather punch myself in the face than see Ultraviolet again, honestly, I had visuals in my head of going berserk, repeatedly kicking and screaming at the next poster for that movie that I saw and needing 4 taser guns fired at me simultaneously from a bunch of cops to get me under control.
If you see Ultraviolet after reading this then I will personally roshambo you. This is not a joke, I imagine that the Fonz:
would use garden shears to snip off his own thumbs to be sure of no-ayyyyy for this steaming pile of earwax.
I have taken the liberty of writing the script for Ultraviolet 2 as therapy, simply to earn the £2 of royalties I'll get from the producers when they make it.
Here is the script:
The movie starts with 40 mins of opening credits, listing in detail names of people that no-one, not even the makers of the movie give a flying fu<k about. 80% of the movie budget goes on this.
The credits come to an abrupt end when Milla Jovovich herself comes smashing through the movie screen, grabbing the first nerd she comes across in the front row, tearing his head off and flinging it so hard that it kills a family of hibernating squirrels in a park 50 Kms away.
An evil Asian looking dude then comes flying on the screen and lands next to Milla and says “I have 13,476, twenty degree black-belts surrounding the building, what are you gonna do about THAT!”. Milla then says “kill them”. The screen fades to black for half a second, you hear a single blade whooshing through the air and when the screen comes back on it shows 13,475 bad guys surrounding her, then they all explode in a horrific fire storm for no reason, leaving just Milla and the bad guy. Milla then grabs the nose of the bad guy and says a really witty line like “got ya nose!” She then punches her fist through the bad guys guts, some cool special effects materialise her fist into a huge spiky ball which she proceeds to rip back through the guy so quickly that he atomises, spraying blood all over the movie going audience.
A retarded kid then walks into the scene and instead of Milla slicing him into 4,000 pieces with a 6 foot sword to teach him for looking gay, she goes “ahh, look at the widdle kiddie, widdie, I bet you’re special”. The retarded kid tries to stick his little finger into his nose to pick it and Milla slaps his hand and say’s “no, that’s naughty”.
Another 30,000 ninjas jump into scene because it’s been 20 seconds since we saw any and Millas hands turn into guns. She proceeds to mow down all the ninjas in slow motion ripping off the Matrix so badly that we actually see Neo (all the while she's applying mascara and lipstick). Ninjas try some B grade kung-foo moves which the audience knows will do jack-shiit. Milla makes an example of the last ninja by punching him in the ass so hard he fly’s into the sun.
All of a sudden some guys face appears in front of Milla as a holographic projection and starts laughing at her, saying “ha ha ha, you think you’re good at killing baddies, but I don’t think you are, ha ha ha”. Milla responds with the effective retort of “nah-ah!”, grabs the kid and races off to the bad guys hang out because she just knows where it is.
Outside the bad guys hang out she kung-foos the bad guys building so hard that it explodes, taking out the surrounding 3 cities with special effects that are so effective, Russia launches it's nuclear arsenal at the USA causing global nuclear winter.
The retarded kid finally says “are you my mummy”, A close-up of Milla reviles a tear rolling down her cheek.
Movie ends abruptly for no good reason.
Movie audience cries with pain as their eyeballs bleed from watching such craap.
(c) Tony Baker.
By Tony Baker: email