Swan Lake

(15/01/05)

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Ahh, swan lake. Apparently 1 in every 10 ballet's performed in Russia is of Swan Lake, bet ya didn't know that!

We managed to catch ticket to it at the Hermitage Theatre, The Empress Catherine II loved the theatre with all her heart and who am I to disagree, it was pretty chur looking, ay bro!

Swan Lake - Tony's Prologue

Basically this hot princess (Odette) is kidnapped by this hard arse sorcerer (Rothbart) who is half-man, half-bird (like an olden day cyborg). He turns the hot princess into a swan (I don't know why, maybe she spat rather than swallowed) and condemns her to chill at the lakeside for the rest of her life. She's now the Queen of the swans. Stink for her.

Act I - The palace

Right, there is this pansy called "Prince Siegfried" (god, that just SOUNDS gay) and it's his birthday, so of course they have a kick ass party for him. He get's pissed as hell and tries to smooth in on all the chicks. The Queen turns up to give him a prezzie and it turns out to be a kick ass crossbow (they didn't have RPG's back then). Before he starts shooting apples off the tops off expendable peasants heads, queenie tells him to get his shiit together and find a damn wife. She buggers off and Siegfried continues to get wasted.

After he's completely toasted he decides to bugger off into the woods and try his crossbow out. No, not hunting a deer, bear or any other kick ass animal, he decides to go after swans. You know the birds that sit in lakes and paddle about of a mile per hour. Not even a damn flying duck! Oh well.

Act II - A Lakeside

Rothbart the hard arse comes out of the lake, lights up a fat splif and checks out his domain. He's pretty stoked. Then he sees the pansy approaching so takes off into the forest.

When the prince finally stumbles to the lake he spies a swan, takes aim but before he lets fires (probably missing anyway) the swan (happens to be Odette of course) turns back into her same hot self! The pansy instantly gets a beer fat for her but Rothbart reappears, hottie freaks out and pisses off back into the woods with the pansy running after her with his hand down his pants.

Seeing as Rothbart want a bit more of Odette's action, he summons all his powers and turns all the swans in the lake into chicks, just to show how cool he is.

The pansy still manages to catch up with Odette and he swears to her his undying love and will be faithful to her, just so he can get in her panties.

Rothbart turns up at just the right time and take Odette away telling the pansy to fu<k off and mind his own business, leaving him to cry like a little pussy by the lake. See the video.

Act III - The Great Hall of the Castle

Seeing the the pansy is a prince, he gets TWO birthday parties. This one's more formal of course and heaps of people from all over turn up to get smashed. Queenie has been busy and has got 6 prostitutes and tells the pansy to select one for a night of whoopee and marriage. He of course still has a boner for Odette and is far to high on the royal wacky-backy to care. Queenie of course makes him dance with the ladies of the night but pansy refuses to get jiggy with any of them (fag).

Then the party starts to heat up and Rothbart gate-crashes it (thank god) and turns up with his daughter, Odile, cunningly disguised as Odette. Siegfried is so high by now he has no idea it's not Odette, takes her out the back and bones her while everyone else parties on. Eventually they come back, crank up the hard house and party on themselves.

Due to the low lighting, thumping base line and laser effects, Siegfried fails to see the REAL Odette outside, trying to tell monkey boy that he promised to remain faithful to her. By now, he reckons he's got it all sorted and swears undying love to Odile, thus breaking his drunken promise to Odette. Rothbart is freaken lovin' all of this and calls Odette in to rub her nose in it before buggering off with Odile.

Odette is of course well piissed at Siegfried for getting it on with Odile and being too wasted to know, so she takes off with limp dick pansy boy running after her begging her to come back.

Act IV - A Lakeside (Yes, not very inventive with their locations, are they)

Odette returns to her hot swan mates at the lakes edge and Pansy boy turns up, sobbing and begging her for forgiveness. Eventually she caves in at his snivelling display of girlieness and grants it (when will you ladies LEARN?!).

Rothbart appears and rubs pansy boys nose in the fact that he swore ever loving love to Odile his daughter and the Pansy starts screaming and slapping Rothbart, getting his arse kicked in the process.

Eventually Odette realises what a looser Siegfried is and tops herself by jumping in the lake. Pansy boy jumps in after her to escape the kicking he's getting and they both drown (no, I don't know how the hell the freaking Queen of Swans could drown either).

The evil spell Rothbart placed is now broken and Rothbart is apparently destroyed by the power of Siegfried's and Odette's love for each other. Blah, blah, blah.

The end.

 

Tony's Review

I would give this ballet an average score, mainly because it's the only one I've ever seen, so statistically, that's correct.

I'm glad I saw it, even though the only weapon in the damn thing wasn't fired, there where no explosions and not a single hilarious/hard black man to speak of. Speaking of speaking, the dialog was completely crap, nonexistent even.

The ballet does start to get entertaining after you get over the initial shock of realising why "men" shouldn't wear tights, I use the term "men" extremely loosely as pointed out in this picture:

WHAT THE F**K is up with that?! Hmm, he reminds me of someone I know...

Annnnnnnyway, go see a ballet, there are hot chicks in it.

-Tony.


By Tony Baker: email